Because I'm letting you go

"I've never had a friend like you", he says.

"Well, dear, it's because we are in love."

"Yes, that's true."

"But you're getting married."

"That's true too."

So it goes between us two.  Misfits until we found each other. and then you went off and I stayed and played and asked you what it all meant.

You reassured me that it meant that I hadn't found it yet.

But I had.

I was afraid of you.

You know my secrets.  I've washed my wellies in your dishwasher and I've fed your shoes to your dog.

I've stolen your girlfriend with every intention of making her feel insecure, with hopes she'd give up the thrown, next to you.

I wanted to sit there.

I'd never have to fix your collar or tell you you drank too much.
I'd never have to guess what you meant or what you were thinking, because you tell me.  You always have.

I don't regret a minute of knowing you, but I do regret all those times I thought I wasn't good enough for you.

You have horses in your backyard and a house in Morocco.

I have nothing.

You know how to give and receive and be present and loving.

I'm afraid of everyone.

You brought me flowers because I got my heart broken.  You told me I was the one everyone waits for.

I didn't believe you.

                                                       You stopped waiting.


You're going to marry her.
I'm going to be there to celebrate.
It'll be the first wedding where I don't even see the bride.

There's been 2.  2 men in the many who've made me realize that they do exist.

That love isn't all movies and fairytales.

That I'm lovable.

I did this though.  I pushed both of you away.
The first, I was young.  I didn't know what love meant.  I told myself he wasn't enough.

he wasn't.

but you are.

Maybe the 3rd time is the charm.  Maybe the next one who comes back to me after I tell him to leave will work.
Maybe then I'll stop quizzing and judging and creating all the reasons why this is doomed and I prefer to sleep alone.

Maybe then I'll find the strength to ask him to stay.

I missed you when you left.  Every thing I owned reminded me of you.  Every man with a good suit and a smashingly kept hairdo.  Every girl who looked happy made me imagine you.  Every one.  Every last one.

I didn't even realize I gave up then.

I did.

You are like light. You are like french macaroons with a cafe ole.

You are the love I never got to have.
And we would have been perfect.

It's time to move on.  It's time to believe again.  It's time to give up giving up.

You gave me that.  I realize all this because of you.
I love you more today than ever,
                    because I'm letting you go.

Because I'm just fine

Everybody knows there was a hurricane in NYC this past week...especially those of us who live here.  Everybody does not know that Audrey has been feeling a complete mess of late and, essentially incapable of a self-preserving thought, much less actually caring for and loving herself.

So it takes a natural disaster does it?
I suppose sometimes it does.

The fact is Audrey would love a break.
She's been creating all the things she can have in this world.
From nothing...not just Landmarked out "from nothing I am the possibility of..." crap, but actually from nothing.

This chick has made it.

So she's solo and struggling...there's no permanence in that.
She's fostering real bonds to take into the rest, the amazing future she's setting up.
She's growing to believe in her true beauty and her soul that tells it like it is.

So shut up if I hurt your feelings...you need a reality check.

Enough about me...because I'm fine.

It's amazing how people we care for, the ones that pushed us away, come out when the weather threatens us.
It's amazing how selfish people become.
It's amazing how much people want a pat on the back and a hug.

No it isn't...BECAUSE THEY DO, naturally.

I love New York.  I really do.

But why does it take this sort of horrible shit to bring us together?

We do care.
We are allowed to be selfish.
We all need a pat on the back...and a hug.

I walked through a dark and and desolate downtown Manhattan to and from the hospital this week.  On Friday morning, as I trudged over the Brooklyn Bridge into the newly rising sunlight warming up an otherwise tired, cold, and worn out southern point, a woman coming from the darkness caught my eye, smiled, and said, "Have a good day".

I will, thank you and I'll continue to pass this on and wish the same.

I've come to realize that, despite attempting to shed all remnant of my suburban skin, I've kept my most precious attribute.

I love people.

I trust them and I care for them and I see them in a way that suggests that there's good there.
There's always good.
In fact, it's the root of all of us, whether it's covered by cemented walls of bitterness and hostility, it's there, right at the center.

I make a lot of interesting choices about the people I try to get to.
      like a friggin' Mother Theresa half the time.

I want people to let out there good and let my good in.

I know I have to protect myself and I have to try to stay away from the ones who don't seem to have that in them.

Oh well.

I find it so hard to believe that they can't get there, that it's that difficult to let me in.

So, it did take a hurricane.

It took a hurricane to realize that I can do that and I can be there for people and reach out and go for those connections and, they may just turn away and that's fine.  It's no reason to stop, just a reason to say, "OK, that happened, looks like this one just needs me to be less aggressive and really probably needs a pat on the back and a hug even more than I do".

A heavy weight left me this week.  I started realizing a rejection really doesn't have ANYTHING to do with me, nor does it make me any LESS lovable.

It just means that sometimes we open our arms and people are too stuck in it and miss the chance to feel loved.

So I hopped in to help at a relief collection today and just enjoyed giving.  I'm going to keep this feeling.  There's no attachment to the result, to the thank you...to the acknowledgment.  It just feels good to give and to see a brick or two fall away from those New York accumulated walls we build.

God love you New York.  You're the toughest and most rewarding love I've got.

We'll get through.