Because I'm letting you go

"I've never had a friend like you", he says.

"Well, dear, it's because we are in love."

"Yes, that's true."

"But you're getting married."

"That's true too."

So it goes between us two.  Misfits until we found each other. and then you went off and I stayed and played and asked you what it all meant.

You reassured me that it meant that I hadn't found it yet.

But I had.

I was afraid of you.

You know my secrets.  I've washed my wellies in your dishwasher and I've fed your shoes to your dog.

I've stolen your girlfriend with every intention of making her feel insecure, with hopes she'd give up the thrown, next to you.

I wanted to sit there.

I'd never have to fix your collar or tell you you drank too much.
I'd never have to guess what you meant or what you were thinking, because you tell me.  You always have.

I don't regret a minute of knowing you, but I do regret all those times I thought I wasn't good enough for you.

You have horses in your backyard and a house in Morocco.

I have nothing.

You know how to give and receive and be present and loving.

I'm afraid of everyone.

You brought me flowers because I got my heart broken.  You told me I was the one everyone waits for.

I didn't believe you.

                                                       You stopped waiting.


You're going to marry her.
I'm going to be there to celebrate.
It'll be the first wedding where I don't even see the bride.

There's been 2.  2 men in the many who've made me realize that they do exist.

That love isn't all movies and fairytales.

That I'm lovable.

I did this though.  I pushed both of you away.
The first, I was young.  I didn't know what love meant.  I told myself he wasn't enough.

he wasn't.

but you are.

Maybe the 3rd time is the charm.  Maybe the next one who comes back to me after I tell him to leave will work.
Maybe then I'll stop quizzing and judging and creating all the reasons why this is doomed and I prefer to sleep alone.

Maybe then I'll find the strength to ask him to stay.

I missed you when you left.  Every thing I owned reminded me of you.  Every man with a good suit and a smashingly kept hairdo.  Every girl who looked happy made me imagine you.  Every one.  Every last one.

I didn't even realize I gave up then.

I did.

You are like light. You are like french macaroons with a cafe ole.

You are the love I never got to have.
And we would have been perfect.

It's time to move on.  It's time to believe again.  It's time to give up giving up.

You gave me that.  I realize all this because of you.
I love you more today than ever,
                    because I'm letting you go.