Wide awake...

I have had a dream, over and over, for years.
It wasn't always clear what happened in the dream...but something was preempting waking from my rest with my arms reaching for the ceiling, left arm extended and the right arm running it's fingers gently up and down.

A light touch, or a tickle, soothing and warm.

I was attributing this to some sort of nervous twitch or a longing to be touched in a gentle way and then the dream clarified itself.

I woke clear and feeling a deep rooted longing to fall back into that place.

I have a fantasy in my REM.

It's likely not entirely a fantasy, but it's felt like one juxtaposed with the paralleled experiences I've had in the real world.

Behind closed eyes I dream of being safe in someone's arms.

The dream is simple.
I wear a short blue dress and no shoes.
He wears a grey shirt and tan slacks.
It is warm but i don't know where we are.

He smells like a man smells after he's been sleeping.
That smell that's hard to describe. That you bury you head into your pillows to remember when he isn't there and can't seem to get rid of when he's gone forever.

I smell like grass...or spring. Fresh and light. Earthy.
Sort of how I'd think I'd smell from what I see in the mirror.

Fresh. Light. Earthy.

All that happens is a hug.

I settle my head into his left chest with my hands snuggly interlaced in front of my chest, elbows down towards his belly.

His arms hold me with strength.

Just a safe, unmoving hold.

A hold that has touch and warmth and safety and love.
                          Deep, quiet, real love.

I stand still and close my eyes.

This is when the faces flash. 5 or so, none I recognize.
                   The last is fuzzy.
The prior are so clear that I feel if I saw them walking down the street, i'd say hello as if they are old familiar friends.

I open my eyes back in the hug and lift my head, look up at him, catching the shadow of a face blocked out by the brightness of the sunshine.  I squint and turn my head down towards his shoulder.
My eyes close again.

I wake up, reaching.

It's that deeper subconscious yearning for someone who has the strength to hold onto me and let me just stay.

It's so hard to believe in that possibility when everyone appears to be running away.

Too busy.
Too wounded.
Too superficial.
Too lost.
Too mistrusting.
Too indignant.
Too driven.
Too damaged.
Too old.
Too young.
Too different.
Too self-absorbed.
Too self-reliant.
Too unfamiliar.
Too scared.

It's possible still, and so, I believe.

This surfacing into my consciousness I begin to see it's only a matter on time.

Today I feel calm and completed in my past.
Today I feel ready for my future.
Today, in the present, is a day filled with awakening
      preceeding a future that might just be filled with
               Spring days, bare feet, blue dresses,
                           and a man in grey Tees that smells like it's morning.