Hope.

Hope.
An expression of believing.
An expression of what's possible.
An expression of excitement.
A need.

We hope.  Some of us, myself included, more so than others.

I'm sitting at my laptop on a gorgeous sunny May Day, dedicated to mothers and my phone rings. 
One of my oldest friends, calling to see how I'm doing.  How I'm holding up.  How I'm dealing.  
      Mixed with telling me how she's doing.   how she's holding up.  how she's dealing. 

It's interesting how celebrations can create responses directly opposed to what they're meant to create.  

Today we celebrate motherhood.  
We thank our mothers, our grandmother.
We smile upon our friends and family members who have taken on the astounding responsibility of being a mommy.

                       and, for some, friend and I included, we hope.

Before that call I was sitting here lamenting my mother's death.  
Wanting to pick up the phone or drive to PA and take her to lunch.  
We'd likely get sandwiches as the local diner or sit in the back yard sipping sun tea.  
She'd likely tell me about my brothers, my dad, her friend Kathy, her mom, the people she sees during the day, the way she experiences things, the way god plays a role in everything she thinks, does, and says.  
             Never a word about her, though.  Just what other people mean to her. 

That was my momma.  Selfless and perfect.  

I was sitting here thinking about the death of a new mom I know.  Someone who battled sickness through and through, until her body failed her...leaving behind a 6 month old son.
She, I know, would have been an incredible mother going forward, had she had the chance.

I was sitting here thinking about the myriad of times I have seen that love is possible and then found it not to be so...
               at least not then
                           ...or maybe at least not with him.  
A possibility of love that transcends pain and suffering, that creates a bond where all is open and communicated and supported and soft and adventurous and quietly powerful.  

A possibility of love that picks you up when you're down and supports you to find your own way up.

A possibility of twosome that creates and excites and works it out when it's not so great and celebrates every moment of when it is, simply wonderful.
  
A possibility of having that person who'll help me become a mother.  
              To give of myself to create a human being that will grow and become everything his or her  
              little heart desires
                    who will learn to walk and run and GO...
                    and fall down, and sit still, and, sometimes stop...because we all do, sometimes.  
              A human being that will suffer and hurt and fail and express and thrive and win...

                              and it'll all be perfect and my love and I will watch it all.

As much as the above sounds bittersweet...it's all based on hope.

It's all based on believing what's possible and never letting whatever comes at you stop you, NO MATTER WHAT. 

Even the things that might make you want to say that hopefulness breeds disappointment.  
          That hopefulness is for fools.  
          That hopefulness puts you on the path to failure and acceptance of what really may never be.
          That hopefulness is stupid and you'll never do that again.
                That you want to slam the doors on the things that hurt you
                        that didn't go the way you planned
                              that didn't let you be seen for what you can offer and how much you want to give.

Those things are just hiccups.  
None of them are sentencing death to a dream.  
None of them are saying that even those particular situations won't ever truly be.
        It might just be different than you've expected.
        It might just be a space of waiting...of timing, which we are all capable of acknowledging.
    
Frankly, if you want it...be there for it and hold on to the hope.  
If a setback shows up in front of you and you use that as a reason to throw in the towel...well, you really didn't want it in the first place.  
              If you did, you'd wait for the clearing, for the opening, for the space where you can take it and 
              run with it---into whatever beautiful field of possibility that's appeared in front of you.  

Use Hope.  

Really, use it...and let it use you.

Use it to drive you.  
Use it to steer you to streets and cities and whole new worlds that would never be if you gave up.
Use it to express yourself, passionately. 
Use it to forgive yourself and whomever you want to blame for stifling what you're up to.
Use it to create love for those upsets and challenges.
Use it to create good from every experience.
Use it to further you and catapult you into showing yourself how god damn in love with yourself and your life you really are.  
Use it to believe.
Use it to create.
Use it to breathe and love and jump and fly and open your arms wide to let it all just come to you.

Because it will.  

Anything you hope for...Anything you believe is possible...Anything.  

It's all yours.  

It's just a matter of time...

  - Audrey