This is about what is

So Audrey's been off the radar.

A lot has gone down.  A lot.

What all that was isn't important.  What's important is how I'm emerging.  That's what I'm about to share.

I am going to take on a model and I'm going to explain it now so no one gets confused.  Not that your a confused bunch of readers.  Actually, just so you get it.  So there's nothing to figure out.

First I'll give you what was.
Then I'll give you what is.  In sequence.  One finding after another.

Into the write-o-sphere...

What was was a lot of hiding.
I was hiding who I am.  I was hiding my discontent.  I was hiding my uncertainty.  I was hiding what I wanted.
That is not going to work.

Now...I'm out, and proud.
What does that look like?
I'm a lot more mischievous than i led on.
I'm just as candid.  There's just no filtering or shape shifting or figuring out who I'm supposed to be or what the other party wants from me.
I'm sharing it.  I have no idea how it's going.
I have no idea what will be.
I have no idea about anything.
I have a ton of reasons why that scares me and I'm giving them up to just do it.
Just be it.
Just take it on.
Just screw up and make a mess and make choices that don't work and take risks and fall down and skin my knees and repair my bruises and enjoy it.
Not fight it.
Not break down and give up.

What was was a lot of pushing.
I was forcing myself to move ahead.  I was fighting myself.  Telling myself to toughen up, move on, and take it like a champ.
That's not going to work.

Now...I'm forgiving and loving.
In a distinct moment I understood that the only thing between me and all of it is me.
I have no grievances with anybody else.
I have no judgments for the way things are and aren't.
I'm actually aware that the way it is and the way I am are just fine.
In fact, they're better than fine.
I am a fine piece of work.
I am a fierce force to be reckoned with.
I am a woman who does and gets and is and wants and creates and lives.
And I have no excuse to choose to judge this.
I have no excuse to say I'm wrong.
I have no excuse to say I'm not enough.
I have no excuse to say I'm not good enough.

What was was a lot of wishing and hoping.
I was planning without saying what I wanted.  I was pretending I don't deserve to make those kind of statements.  I was waiting to get there and it to be the right time.

Now, I'm committing.
I feel it in my bones when I'm not where I want to be.  I feel in in my blood when I'm not doing what I said I was out to do.  I feel it in my heart when my heart isn't in it.
I am asking.
I am saying what shows up and what is collapsing down inside of me.
I'm letting it out and letting it go.

I have no idea what will happen.
I have no idea who will be there.
I have no idea about anything.

I trust the process.  I trust myself.

I can't even describe the moment I realized and stopped intellectualizing.
I can't even describe how much weight disappeared.

And then how violent I realized I was with myself.
Violent is the word.
The perfect word.

What was was I was manhandling myself.
I was throwing myself down, kicking myself and telling myself I deserved to treat myself this way.
And then I was picking myself up, combing through my hair and putting on a pretty dress.
That is not going to work.

Now, I'm hugging myself. I'm declaring that I'm a beautiful work.
There's nothing to prove.  There's nothing to win.  There's nothing to gain or lose.
It just is what it is, and it's breathtaking.

And in this space I find this:
There's two ways to say what you want.  Well, I'm sure there's many ways, but there are two that I go to and I'm relinquishing the prior.

The first, we make lists that we painstakingly cultivate, predicting a plethora of fantastical ideas and fairytale happenings that can only be proven unattainable.  That can only make us small.  That can only hold us back.  That can only give us reason to sit back and say 'well, that's not for me'

Or...

We can say what it is that we want.  Trust the process.  And get it.

Do I have it all?  Yes.
Do I want more?  Yes.
Will I have more?  Yes.
Is life absolutely amazing the way it is?  Yes.
Will I have more to share?  Yes.
Am I content?  Yes.
Will I make it?


I already have.