Want to hear about something that baffles and amazes me?
Too bad...I'm talking.
Social Media.
More for the rationale I've personally given, 1st hand heard others give, or, not so appropriately, decided for others; than for the actual genius behind it all.
It's a perfect platform to throw stuff onto a "wall" and see what sticks. I like to use it to share my inspiration. I have decided that the wacky stuff that enters my brain and my field of vision should brighten others' days while they succumb to their boredom and sign onto the interwebs to improve their attention deficit.
I suppose it inadvertently shows bits and pieces of my self but nothing that can be misconstrued as me, defined, by any stretch.
The ticker tape that is life.
Constant news, updates, to-do lists, where to go, what's hot, what's not? where can you save on more stimulus? What is everybody everywhere doing right now, at this very moment?
I applaud myself often that I only turn on my television to watch DVDs or MadMen. I prefer the pages of a book and the background music collection that I've spent a greater portion of my 20s compiling over sitcoms, reality shows, and commercials.
BUT...
I need to stop pretending I'm some woman of the world who's only stimulus can come from great literature and exceptional musical talent and art.
Why?
1. because I can not remember my life before GPS and well, Google. Frankly, I do not know what I used to do or how anybody really got anything done.
2. because blogs are like a drug for my insatiable brain.
3. because I can't choose where to eat or what to listen to next without Yelp or Pandora.
4. because It's 7:48 am. I've already written four emails, bid on this amazing vintage DVF dress on EBay, read the better part of the NYTimes and my daily ThisRecording.com, checked LinkedIn, Etsy, chosen three or four things I'm "Pinterested" in, and edited my calendar based on a list of events brought to me by the 37 new messages in my inbox...since 12am when I went to bed, as I definitely checked before I shut my eyes. 37 emails. in 7 hours.
oh and of course, I'll admit the following...
5. because sometimes you just want to stalk somebody.
I know you're all guilty so, let's face it, It's okay. It's Facebook Stalking. No one thinks its real stalking. I mean, everyone displays that stuff because they WANT you to see it. They want you to see what they are doing and being and experiencing. It's important that we all share in eachothers' lives.
Bullshit.
I will now pose a question i often wonder about when I hear the gossip and witness the inward personalities this internet world creates.
When was the last time you actually talked to some of your stalking victims? If you saw them on the street, would you feel awkward discussing what you know about them?
NO I'm sure you wouldn't.
Especially not if you could text them about it instead of actually interacting face-to-face.
I think ADD and the constant need for more is symptomatic of our loneliness. People don't know each other. We take what snippets we see of a persons life, be it a celebrity, a powerful figurehead, or John, that guy you crushed on in junior high who, turns out, never got anywhere
(glad you dodged that bullet)...
So, why not connect? Why not get in there and be human?
I am direct and blunt all of the time. I just prefer to be this way over that. Granted, I'm incredibly awkward and don't really understand when people don't receive my often imposing questions as I expect them to, but I really do WANT to know about other people.
I WANT to hear about accomplishments, places they've been, their funny stories and their hurt. Yes, even the ugly, terrible, embarrassing shit that happens to everyone.
It's upsetting to think that there's so much hiding from our feelings.
There are so many conflicts, rough times, and tough decisions that go on in people's minds without even a signal of unrest visible to the eyes of others.
Like it's better to grin and bear it.
keep calm and carry on.
This makes me realize and feel my own loneliness all the more intently.
I shouldn't.
Because people shouldn't be so thrown off by a person who really WANTS to connect. Who just is and realizes everybody else just is too, so quit the act.
It's a blessing and a sign of strength to admit we are vulnerable and screwed up and jaded and angry and unhappy and just plain lonely.
We don't have to be any of those things.
We also shouldn't have to drop a fund at a psychologist to find someone who will actually listen.
Reminder: NO ONE* is completely OK.
* If you know someone who is completely OK, kindly, look for their off switch...or their battery pack.
Because they're a goddamn robot.
A sad side effect of being like me, of WANTING to know is this:
We try.
Then we feel rejected.
We crawl back into our minds.
We read or write or watch films about a world where people are present and responsive and loving.
I shouldn't have to beat myself up for being real.
I shouldn't have to feel the way I do when I share and someone runs away or I ask and someone avoids me so as not to engage in what I call
a conversation.
My sensitivity to this is a product of my family.
Everyone is fine.
No one shares...anything.
No one responds or cries or knows how to comfort.
I don't know how many times I heard things like:
"I'll pray for you" or "fight nicely children"
It still stings.
The prayers are great, no doubt, but i think I'd probably have done better with a hug. It's rough being a kid who constantly wonders who's backing anybody up.
Because then she decides that the only one who's got her back is herself.
And I assume as I've moved along through my twenties, that when I come across this lack of connectedness when I meet new people, it means that people just don't care about each other.
Hopefully I'll get to that place where I will realize that others are closed and feel sorry for them, then move along.
It's not me that's making them run.
It's them that's avoiding the difficult course that is being. That is living a messy, flawed, and violently unpredictable life.
So you want to talk?
Send it my way. I'll listen.
And you can practice doing the same in return.
It's called relating.
We will be what can be defined as friends.
It'll feel pretty real.
or at least it will feel like something we can't get by "experiencing" each other via screen time.
- Audrey
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