So I go to a therapist. I'm not afraid to admit that. I am a New Yorker. We all go to therapy.
I started going because I had no idea who I was. I had lived the first 28 years of my life behind a tutu matched delightfully to a brazen, self-righteous, semi-sociopathic masochist.
How the hell does that work?
Well...
I thought being blunt and hurtful was a good tactic for letting people know they did me wrong. My MO was to take the punishment of being ignored and belittled for months, years, decades in a few cases, and then finally, out of nowhere, sweet, innocent, caring and loving Audrey went ape shit.
I got into an argument on the street with a guy who had treated me like I was a pet, one that he kicked when he got home from a bad day, for way too long.
We were standing on the corner of thompson and spring and i just snapped. the venom that started pouring out of my mouth was cold, ruthless, and violently heartless. Then, he shoved me, and walked away.
A 33 year old man shoved me.
This, I will sheepishly admit, was not the first time I had provoked and been man-handled, but it was certainly the last. The next morning I set up my appointment.
I had no idea what was wrong with me. Now I do.
Nothing.
I was giving the benefit of the doubt to people who take. Narcissism was a HUGE turn on. It still is. The idea that I could handle it. That I was so tough and emotionless and cool was like a drug.
I really did not care what his or her deal was because we would never have to be close.
I could "love" him and leave him or gossip, work on my snarky sarcasm with her and, at the end of our encounter, not give a shit which way they went.
But I was being false. I did want to be cared about. I did want someone who listened and told me stories, good, bad, and ugly stories, and just put themselves out on the table.
I wanted to be able to air out my dirty laundry too. That stuff has made me who I am. Who, I've realized in the past two years, is an amazing person.
The hard pill to take is that i am still drawn to people who are looking for motive.
They are not hard to find.
A person who trusts is 1 in a great many. A person who doesn't is a dime a dozen.
I like to listen. I like to be a soundboard and watch what people do and say. I can tell when they are coming from an honest place. I can tell when they are not. In some instances, even when they can not.
This gets me into trouble.
People do not like to share.
They create this storyline about the listener. Freud coined it transference.
Since I have this lovely tendency to listen and hear, this transference shows up in a lot of colorful ways.
I have been accused of thinking I am above the talker.
I have been accused of being codependent, a martyr to save them.
I have been accused of being a know-it-all.
I have been accused of pushing my agenda.
The reality is, I am just listening.
I used to give advice because I thought that was what the other party wanted from me, but I never thought my advice was any good. Another person's life is not my life and it is not mine to change or help them with.
I have no idea what kind of crazy trauma and drama and mishaps and beliefs she has running through her brain, making her need to own whatever she is saying or whatever reason she is giving for the words she uses.
All I have is a point of view. It is not my place to try and make that someone else's point of view. I do not intend for a word of mine to be heard. I am used to that anyway.
Shrinky says its my semi-sociopathy. I'm not mentally ill, but I sure as hell can detach like I am.
It is a real part of me that I am completely and blissfully content when I am completely by myself.
I can not say that I do not love company, but I do not need it. I much prefer living in my headphones and burying my nose in a book to talking to strangers. I want to get a dog, a snobby impersonal dog and walk him as far away from other dogs and people at the dog park because, well he doesn't want to talk to strangers either. That's my kind of dog.
But...
Here'a the rub: I have learned that I can not stop the conversation when it gets hard. I fight to the bitter end. The completion. The resolve. (I have suffered through 10-20 cold wars at this point).
I am trying out a new approach to that.
I am creating a possibility that I can have those conversations and sift through the resistance and the transference and just get to the nitty gritty of it all by just asking what they are gaining.
I will admit a selfish gain on my end from this: I like to watch people figure it out.
I do not want to figure it out for them, nor do I want to walk away.
I want to have relationships with people where they feel like they can trust me and see that I am not judging and that I actually do not see anything wrong with anything about them.
Even the stuff I ask them about.
It is just a question. Nothing more.
It is difficult to figure out how to do this at times. My current conundrum is someone who likes reasons, but does not want to discuss what those reasons do for him. He will likely bolt because he is mentally accusing me of one of those prior accusations I listed, or a new one...I just don't care. I'm still asking.
In a nutshell, those reasons HAVE to be doing something for him, otherwise, what is the point of having a reason?
If I say I can not go skiing because I'm afraid of hurting myself, I have a reason. That reason keeps me safe and my knees intact. Maybe I am missing out on a real high in "nature".
Eh, I hate being cold anyway.
I have a reason. It is a silly reason but I have it and my safety is the benefit there.
If I said I can not learn Italian, because I do not want to know what those sleazy guys who sit at my morning coffee shop are saying about me, I gain by not having to know and being able to pretend they are complimenting the intelligence I exude, despite their obvious gestures towards my ass.
Ridiculous. But I gain something from that reason.
If I said I will never date a blonde man because I'm not attracted to them, I gain nothing from my reasoning. I cut out a whole slew of men who are likely tall enough to compliment me in 4" heels and probably have a place to take me on Nantucket this summer.
No gain keeping this reason up.
These are silly examples but they are real, humorous reasons I actually operate under. I've kicked the last one out because I want my options wide open (though tall dark and handsome is surely going to be where it's at...I jest).
I'm on that trip this week. I am trying to examine my reasons, and see where they bring me and what it is I actually gain from them. If there is nothing of value, I am dropping them. At the end of the day, they are only holding me back.
Over n out!
XO Aud.
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