Love

"Love is real. 

Real is love.

Love is feeling, feeling love. 

Love is wanting to be loved. 

Love is touch. 

Touch is love. 

Love is reaching, reaching love. 

Love is asking to be loved. 

Love is you. 

You and me. 

Love is knowing we can be. 

Love is free. Free is love. 

Love us living. Living love. 

Love is needing to be loved"

- John Lennon

I fell in to love today.  

I hadn't realized that I didn't know what it really was to fall in to love until that moment. 

The moment I looked in the mirror and said I'm afraid. 

I'm afraid to fail. 

I'm afraid to commit myself. 

I'm afraid to let go of controlling how it all will go. 

I'm afraid to ask of someone else to let me see myself in him. 

And I let myself be afraid. 

And I saw what it looks like to be alone. 

And what I had done thus far to make sure that the me I truly am was kept alone. 

To be safe. 

And it was dark. 

And it was frightening. 

And there was no one. 

But me. 

And I was beautiful. 

I was untouched and unscathed and as calm and peaceful and free as a fairy. 

And then I invited myself to come out in to the world. 

And breathe in the life around me. 

And to stop hiding in that dark, frightening, alone place. 

And I took my hand and guided myself into the light. Into the warm, open and energetic place. 

And a flood of hope and peace and care surrounded me and embraced me. 

And I looked at myself. 

She smiled and said 'I love you'. 

Then she melted into me and I no longer saw where who I am ended and all of this fear and aloneness began. And then I noticed that I wasn't afraid and I wasn't alone. 

I'd accepted love as company. 

And she and I, now one, opened our eyes and saw that everything around us and every one was love. Like a mirror, reflecting an untouched, unscathed, peaceful, calm and free being. 

Because love doesn't get harmed. 

It is always at peace. 

It is always calm. 

It is always free. 

And it is always there waiting patiently to be unlocked from the dark, frightening place we keep it hidden. 

Fearing we might lose the one thing we can never lose. 

Because we are love. 

And love is free. 

Free is love. 

We can give it and give it and we never lose. 

Because It's all there is. 

It is the source of everything. 

It is the place where we begin, where we grow and we thrive and when we are gone we let it go to be in the world where we found it when we arrived. 

Love is a gift we never lose.  We are free to be and use that gift whenever we choose. 

It never fades. 

It never dies.

So I fell into love today, right into it. In the most remarkable of places. Right there inside me and everywhere...

Wanting, asking, needing to be loved.

The most beautiful thing that we are entitled to as human beings. 

No need to fear. 

Just open your eyes. 

Courage

                            Tough 

                            adjective 

                           (of a substance or object) strong enough to withstand adverse conditions or rough 
                           or careless handling.

1. You're tough.  He said.  

   Tougher than nails.  

   Tougher than dirt.  

   Tougher than leather.  

   Tougher than diamonds. 

   Tougher than the rest.

   
   

   You withstand.  You fight.  You win.

   
   

   Except when you meet your greatest adversary.  

   The one thing that provides the most adverse conditions and the roughest, most careless handling. 

   Then you realize you aren't really all that tough at all.

   Because the most adverse, the roughest, the most careless and unhinged hate comes from YOU, from within yourself.

   
   

   The house you build in your head, the one that gives you the most support to bust through, to be brave, to counter all the "No's", all the challenges, all the mishaps turns in on you, shuts you down and tells you you're only tough because you can't really handle much of anything.

   
   

   
   

   Then you become Brave.

   
   
   
   

        Brave

        adjective

   
   

        ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage.

   1. 
      

      You find it in you to combat yourself.  Your made up protective and angry self.  That never gets her way and never finds what she needs and can never say what exactly it is that she wants.  You take on courage.

      
      

      
      

      
      

      Courage 

      noun

      The ability to do something that frightens one.

      Strength in the face of pain or grief.

      
      

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   or better yet, the ability to face your fears with your whole heart.

   
   

   And your heart is big.  And it picks you up and carries you.  It fights the toughness.  It asks for support.  It lets you push on through tears and shallow breathes.  It lets you find the beauty in not knowing.  It lets you be free to find the ones who'll listen and hold you and make you see that there's everything to be had and nothing lost.  

   
   

   It let's you look in the mirror and tell yourself that you love you.  Even though the tough guy tells you to shut up and fix the mess you are and all the messes you've made and called your life. 

   
   

   Because courage is the thing that brightens up.  

   It's the thing that lets us shine through the darkest desert night.  

   It brings light.  

   It guides the way.  

   It lets us fall and scrape our knees and make terrible dicisions and fall apart.  

   
   

   Then, it picks us up, dresses our wounds and sends us out to meet a new moment. 

   
   

   So, in times like these...and there will be many.  Call on courage.  Be brave and let your heart spread wide across your chest.  Without it we cease to exist.  With it, we live, thrive and begin again.

   
   

   
   

   
   

   1. 
      

      
      

This is about what is

So Audrey's been off the radar.

A lot has gone down.  A lot.

What all that was isn't important.  What's important is how I'm emerging.  That's what I'm about to share.

I am going to take on a model and I'm going to explain it now so no one gets confused.  Not that your a confused bunch of readers.  Actually, just so you get it.  So there's nothing to figure out.

First I'll give you what was.
Then I'll give you what is.  In sequence.  One finding after another.

Into the write-o-sphere...

What was was a lot of hiding.
I was hiding who I am.  I was hiding my discontent.  I was hiding my uncertainty.  I was hiding what I wanted.
That is not going to work.

Now...I'm out, and proud.
What does that look like?
I'm a lot more mischievous than i led on.
I'm just as candid.  There's just no filtering or shape shifting or figuring out who I'm supposed to be or what the other party wants from me.
I'm sharing it.  I have no idea how it's going.
I have no idea what will be.
I have no idea about anything.
I have a ton of reasons why that scares me and I'm giving them up to just do it.
Just be it.
Just take it on.
Just screw up and make a mess and make choices that don't work and take risks and fall down and skin my knees and repair my bruises and enjoy it.
Not fight it.
Not break down and give up.

What was was a lot of pushing.
I was forcing myself to move ahead.  I was fighting myself.  Telling myself to toughen up, move on, and take it like a champ.
That's not going to work.

Now...I'm forgiving and loving.
In a distinct moment I understood that the only thing between me and all of it is me.
I have no grievances with anybody else.
I have no judgments for the way things are and aren't.
I'm actually aware that the way it is and the way I am are just fine.
In fact, they're better than fine.
I am a fine piece of work.
I am a fierce force to be reckoned with.
I am a woman who does and gets and is and wants and creates and lives.
And I have no excuse to choose to judge this.
I have no excuse to say I'm wrong.
I have no excuse to say I'm not enough.
I have no excuse to say I'm not good enough.

What was was a lot of wishing and hoping.
I was planning without saying what I wanted.  I was pretending I don't deserve to make those kind of statements.  I was waiting to get there and it to be the right time.

Now, I'm committing.
I feel it in my bones when I'm not where I want to be.  I feel in in my blood when I'm not doing what I said I was out to do.  I feel it in my heart when my heart isn't in it.
I am asking.
I am saying what shows up and what is collapsing down inside of me.
I'm letting it out and letting it go.

I have no idea what will happen.
I have no idea who will be there.
I have no idea about anything.

I trust the process.  I trust myself.

I can't even describe the moment I realized and stopped intellectualizing.
I can't even describe how much weight disappeared.

And then how violent I realized I was with myself.
Violent is the word.
The perfect word.

What was was I was manhandling myself.
I was throwing myself down, kicking myself and telling myself I deserved to treat myself this way.
And then I was picking myself up, combing through my hair and putting on a pretty dress.
That is not going to work.

Now, I'm hugging myself. I'm declaring that I'm a beautiful work.
There's nothing to prove.  There's nothing to win.  There's nothing to gain or lose.
It just is what it is, and it's breathtaking.

And in this space I find this:
There's two ways to say what you want.  Well, I'm sure there's many ways, but there are two that I go to and I'm relinquishing the prior.

The first, we make lists that we painstakingly cultivate, predicting a plethora of fantastical ideas and fairytale happenings that can only be proven unattainable.  That can only make us small.  That can only hold us back.  That can only give us reason to sit back and say 'well, that's not for me'

Or...

We can say what it is that we want.  Trust the process.  And get it.

Do I have it all?  Yes.
Do I want more?  Yes.
Will I have more?  Yes.
Is life absolutely amazing the way it is?  Yes.
Will I have more to share?  Yes.
Am I content?  Yes.
Will I make it?


I already have.

We are excited to announce preparations for Project Love, Me. 
Project Love, Me is a movement to develop self-love and happiness for all. 
Our first step in developing the project is the following survey. 
It's 10 questions and takes 20-30 minutes.
Please show yourself love and fill it out with your whole heart.

Thank you. We love you.

Love, Us

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/VJCXD2J

My burn bio

Well hello there.

I'm R------ (for pen name purposes, Audrey).
First burn.
First Kostume Kult camping.

So. Flipping. Excited.

A little something something about me:

I'm a Gemini, with an outward pretty, pressed, and perfectionic demeanor.
She doesn't sleep in tents and always keeps it perfectly placed. So perfect. So so perfect.

And then there's the other.
The wild child*, The Mad Max.
Let the wild rumpus start.
* She's getting a super amount of attention these days.
Totally psyched to let her run wild in the desert.

Dirty. Sweaty. Open. Free. And fully self-expressed.

Requesting an appropriate playa name that reflects that.

I'm loud and quiet.
I'm cool and hot.
I'm super normal and totally weird.
I'm an anxious fool and a cool, calm, and collected little lady.
I'm a gamine ange nu and a bit of a deviant.
I'm a hopeless romantic and a she-ra man hater.

I. Am. A. Fairy.

I'm not French.
I might as well be.

I say what I think.
What I say is.
My world is in the stars and on earth and in me and in you and outside of us and around us and everywhere and everything.

I have a wild temper.

I love food.

I am afraid of fire.
I love to watch things burn.

I'm all about now. And now. And now. And pay as little attention to then. And then. And then as possible.

I'm an artist AND a scientist.
I can be smart as f*{k and gullible as ever.
I can be in the clouds and obsessively calculated.

I pretty much looooooove costuming.
I'm thinking lots of devil/angel/fairy/evil sprite stuff for the burn.
Glitter and wings. Pointy ears.
Red lipstick and false paper eyelashes.
Mud and dirt and an oily glow.

I used to be a pro ballet dancer.
i think it was for the Tutus and drag queen makeup.
i pretend it was for the classy art.

Nothing too fancy.

I am ready to let it out and let it all go and take it all on.

Out to find and to love the grey area.

I want to be scared out of my mind, jump, and land on my feet.
Because I do.
And I'm ready to challenge how far I can take that.

Oh, and I don't know how to swim.

PS I'm writing this in my medical office, wearing a JCrew sundress, a cashmere cardigan and penny loafers.

There is an actual penny in the front of my shoes.

Well, alright.

I'm going to Burning Man.
Challenge Accepted.

XxO
- mad max?

Hope.

Hope.
An expression of believing.
An expression of what's possible.
An expression of excitement.
A need.

We hope.  Some of us, myself included, more so than others.

I'm sitting at my laptop on a gorgeous sunny May Day, dedicated to mothers and my phone rings. 
One of my oldest friends, calling to see how I'm doing.  How I'm holding up.  How I'm dealing.  
      Mixed with telling me how she's doing.   how she's holding up.  how she's dealing. 

It's interesting how celebrations can create responses directly opposed to what they're meant to create.  

Today we celebrate motherhood.  
We thank our mothers, our grandmother.
We smile upon our friends and family members who have taken on the astounding responsibility of being a mommy.

                       and, for some, friend and I included, we hope.

Before that call I was sitting here lamenting my mother's death.  
Wanting to pick up the phone or drive to PA and take her to lunch.  
We'd likely get sandwiches as the local diner or sit in the back yard sipping sun tea.  
She'd likely tell me about my brothers, my dad, her friend Kathy, her mom, the people she sees during the day, the way she experiences things, the way god plays a role in everything she thinks, does, and says.  
             Never a word about her, though.  Just what other people mean to her. 

That was my momma.  Selfless and perfect.  

I was sitting here thinking about the death of a new mom I know.  Someone who battled sickness through and through, until her body failed her...leaving behind a 6 month old son.
She, I know, would have been an incredible mother going forward, had she had the chance.

I was sitting here thinking about the myriad of times I have seen that love is possible and then found it not to be so...
               at least not then
                           ...or maybe at least not with him.  
A possibility of love that transcends pain and suffering, that creates a bond where all is open and communicated and supported and soft and adventurous and quietly powerful.  

A possibility of love that picks you up when you're down and supports you to find your own way up.

A possibility of twosome that creates and excites and works it out when it's not so great and celebrates every moment of when it is, simply wonderful.
  
A possibility of having that person who'll help me become a mother.  
              To give of myself to create a human being that will grow and become everything his or her  
              little heart desires
                    who will learn to walk and run and GO...
                    and fall down, and sit still, and, sometimes stop...because we all do, sometimes.  
              A human being that will suffer and hurt and fail and express and thrive and win...

                              and it'll all be perfect and my love and I will watch it all.

As much as the above sounds bittersweet...it's all based on hope.

It's all based on believing what's possible and never letting whatever comes at you stop you, NO MATTER WHAT. 

Even the things that might make you want to say that hopefulness breeds disappointment.  
          That hopefulness is for fools.  
          That hopefulness puts you on the path to failure and acceptance of what really may never be.
          That hopefulness is stupid and you'll never do that again.
                That you want to slam the doors on the things that hurt you
                        that didn't go the way you planned
                              that didn't let you be seen for what you can offer and how much you want to give.

Those things are just hiccups.  
None of them are sentencing death to a dream.  
None of them are saying that even those particular situations won't ever truly be.
        It might just be different than you've expected.
        It might just be a space of waiting...of timing, which we are all capable of acknowledging.
    
Frankly, if you want it...be there for it and hold on to the hope.  
If a setback shows up in front of you and you use that as a reason to throw in the towel...well, you really didn't want it in the first place.  
              If you did, you'd wait for the clearing, for the opening, for the space where you can take it and 
              run with it---into whatever beautiful field of possibility that's appeared in front of you.  

Use Hope.  

Really, use it...and let it use you.

Use it to drive you.  
Use it to steer you to streets and cities and whole new worlds that would never be if you gave up.
Use it to express yourself, passionately. 
Use it to forgive yourself and whomever you want to blame for stifling what you're up to.
Use it to create love for those upsets and challenges.
Use it to create good from every experience.
Use it to further you and catapult you into showing yourself how god damn in love with yourself and your life you really are.  
Use it to believe.
Use it to create.
Use it to breathe and love and jump and fly and open your arms wide to let it all just come to you.

Because it will.  

Anything you hope for...Anything you believe is possible...Anything.  

It's all yours.  

It's just a matter of time...

  - Audrey

Wide awake...

I have had a dream, over and over, for years.
It wasn't always clear what happened in the dream...but something was preempting waking from my rest with my arms reaching for the ceiling, left arm extended and the right arm running it's fingers gently up and down.

A light touch, or a tickle, soothing and warm.

I was attributing this to some sort of nervous twitch or a longing to be touched in a gentle way and then the dream clarified itself.

I woke clear and feeling a deep rooted longing to fall back into that place.

I have a fantasy in my REM.

It's likely not entirely a fantasy, but it's felt like one juxtaposed with the paralleled experiences I've had in the real world.

Behind closed eyes I dream of being safe in someone's arms.

The dream is simple.
I wear a short blue dress and no shoes.
He wears a grey shirt and tan slacks.
It is warm but i don't know where we are.

He smells like a man smells after he's been sleeping.
That smell that's hard to describe. That you bury you head into your pillows to remember when he isn't there and can't seem to get rid of when he's gone forever.

I smell like grass...or spring. Fresh and light. Earthy.
Sort of how I'd think I'd smell from what I see in the mirror.

Fresh. Light. Earthy.

All that happens is a hug.

I settle my head into his left chest with my hands snuggly interlaced in front of my chest, elbows down towards his belly.

His arms hold me with strength.

Just a safe, unmoving hold.

A hold that has touch and warmth and safety and love.
                          Deep, quiet, real love.

I stand still and close my eyes.

This is when the faces flash. 5 or so, none I recognize.
                   The last is fuzzy.
The prior are so clear that I feel if I saw them walking down the street, i'd say hello as if they are old familiar friends.

I open my eyes back in the hug and lift my head, look up at him, catching the shadow of a face blocked out by the brightness of the sunshine.  I squint and turn my head down towards his shoulder.
My eyes close again.

I wake up, reaching.

It's that deeper subconscious yearning for someone who has the strength to hold onto me and let me just stay.

It's so hard to believe in that possibility when everyone appears to be running away.

Too busy.
Too wounded.
Too superficial.
Too lost.
Too mistrusting.
Too indignant.
Too driven.
Too damaged.
Too old.
Too young.
Too different.
Too self-absorbed.
Too self-reliant.
Too unfamiliar.
Too scared.

It's possible still, and so, I believe.

This surfacing into my consciousness I begin to see it's only a matter on time.

Today I feel calm and completed in my past.
Today I feel ready for my future.
Today, in the present, is a day filled with awakening
      preceeding a future that might just be filled with
               Spring days, bare feet, blue dresses,
                           and a man in grey Tees that smells like it's morning.