Saturday, September 29, 2012
AudreysThinking: Acknowledgement
AudreysThinking: Acknowledgement: It's time Audrey acknowledge herself. It's an interesting characteristic I see in a number of women I hold very dear. We're true and bold an...
Friday, September 28, 2012
Acknowledgement
It's time Audrey acknowledge herself. It's an interesting characteristic I see in a number of women I hold very dear. We're true and bold and exciting and successful, but we fail to acknowledge these things at the most pertinent of times.
It's interesting being a woman in Manhattan. There's a fine line that breaks a number of us and reduces us to the mere shells we inhabit.
When it comes to relationships, we're in a pool that exists nowhere else.
We wake up in the morning hopeful. We forgive and forget red flags that show us that we won't be able to be ourselves if we want to try and make love work. Then, we realize it doesn't work anyway.
That's not true.
It does.
It's a matter of owning who we are and being ourselves in the most trying of situations.
Professionally, we excel.
We hold our own in a way that astounds our suburban family and friends.
We work tirelessly to gain recognition in a man's world.
And we succeed.
Then we try for love.
We ignore that the men of Manhattan arrived here with the same goals and aspirations. They come here from places where school buses and soccer teams and family dinners are the norm. They come here from families who encourage, but haven't an inkling what it's like in a world where being good at something gets us nowhere.
We have to be great.
Women prove themselves and find solace in the accomplishment.
Men prove themselves and feel an emptiness.
It's a generalization. I know.
But I speak from the next decade. The 30 somethings.
I speak from the lot of us who get resigned to thinking that happiness is a myth.
A figment.
Something only reserved for a select, lucky few.
It isn't.
It's a matter of trust.
It's a matter of realizing that your perfect match is a perfect her. Or him.
It's a matter of understanding that, in the end, it's the person who sees you through the sadest and darkest of times and loves you for who you are.
Simply.
I've dreamt about a dreamy man who's the kind of handsome that Hollywood ignites. Who's the kind of success that Forbes 500 puts on the cover. Who's interests engulf mine. Who's story may be sad and difficult, but has produced an exceptional man.
I also recognize that I sleep 5-6 hours a night and the other 18-19 hours I spend in the world.
Where men are grown up but ever-living little boys. And I, in turn, am just as much a little girl.
He probably won't be able to match a suit.
He probably won't show up confident and sure.
He might have a preoccupation with star wars or batman or some other endearing and genuinely juvenile distraction.
He might pout or get quiet when he doesn't know how to respond.
He might be selfish and silly about things that he really has no control over.
But I'll love him.
For all of that.
And his success.
And his failure.
And his attempts. Just because he tries.
That's what we're missing here.
We miss accepting being human. The one true quality that makes us lovable.
The older we get, the deeper our past. But it's just a past.
It's over.
Again I land at vulnerability.
The key to ever present and powerful being.
And love.
It's what makes us available to connect. It's what makes us refreshing and new.
And the silliest part of it is that it's simply just us, as we are, as we're able to share.
Love.
I believe in love in Manhattan.
It's interesting being a woman in Manhattan. There's a fine line that breaks a number of us and reduces us to the mere shells we inhabit.
When it comes to relationships, we're in a pool that exists nowhere else.
We wake up in the morning hopeful. We forgive and forget red flags that show us that we won't be able to be ourselves if we want to try and make love work. Then, we realize it doesn't work anyway.
That's not true.
It does.
It's a matter of owning who we are and being ourselves in the most trying of situations.
Professionally, we excel.
We hold our own in a way that astounds our suburban family and friends.
We work tirelessly to gain recognition in a man's world.
And we succeed.
Then we try for love.
We ignore that the men of Manhattan arrived here with the same goals and aspirations. They come here from places where school buses and soccer teams and family dinners are the norm. They come here from families who encourage, but haven't an inkling what it's like in a world where being good at something gets us nowhere.
We have to be great.
Women prove themselves and find solace in the accomplishment.
Men prove themselves and feel an emptiness.
It's a generalization. I know.
But I speak from the next decade. The 30 somethings.
I speak from the lot of us who get resigned to thinking that happiness is a myth.
A figment.
Something only reserved for a select, lucky few.
It isn't.
It's a matter of trust.
It's a matter of realizing that your perfect match is a perfect her. Or him.
It's a matter of understanding that, in the end, it's the person who sees you through the sadest and darkest of times and loves you for who you are.
Simply.
I've dreamt about a dreamy man who's the kind of handsome that Hollywood ignites. Who's the kind of success that Forbes 500 puts on the cover. Who's interests engulf mine. Who's story may be sad and difficult, but has produced an exceptional man.
I also recognize that I sleep 5-6 hours a night and the other 18-19 hours I spend in the world.
Where men are grown up but ever-living little boys. And I, in turn, am just as much a little girl.
He probably won't be able to match a suit.
He probably won't show up confident and sure.
He might have a preoccupation with star wars or batman or some other endearing and genuinely juvenile distraction.
He might pout or get quiet when he doesn't know how to respond.
He might be selfish and silly about things that he really has no control over.
But I'll love him.
For all of that.
And his success.
And his failure.
And his attempts. Just because he tries.
That's what we're missing here.
We miss accepting being human. The one true quality that makes us lovable.
The older we get, the deeper our past. But it's just a past.
It's over.
Again I land at vulnerability.
The key to ever present and powerful being.
And love.
It's what makes us available to connect. It's what makes us refreshing and new.
And the silliest part of it is that it's simply just us, as we are, as we're able to share.
Love.
I believe in love in Manhattan.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Admiration, the most sought after income in the universe
"I admire you."
Who doesn't want to hear that? Someone expressing that your way of being inspires and strikes them with a sense of awe and a desire to be...you.
Have you ever experienced someone's admiration when you were being inauthentic?
Notice how you felt anxious or uneasy, or maybe you felt relieved, if you're as inauthentic as that would suggest.
It's all because admiration is something we all want from life. We look at magazines, print and television ads. We read biographies. We teach children about the fantastic people in history that have changed the world and stood for something and created something truly beautiful in their time here.
Everyone wants to be admired for something. Some people want what the world defines as BIG dreams and BIG ideas. These ideas are only BIG in scale. That doesn't make them more admirable.
Let's say there's a little old man who lives alone in a tiny apartment. He pays all of his bills on time, he always keeps his space neat and clean. he has no family. He leaves his apartment every day to get his coffee and his paper, sits in the park or in a cafe on rainy days, reads the paper and then heads to the market to get the items he needs to make dinner. He spends 2 hours cooking every night, sets the table, puts on his favorite music, enjoys every bite, cleans up, writes in his journal and gets to sleep. On Tuesdays and Fridays he does his laundry at the laundromat and on Sundays, he goes to services at his church. He gives $10 every week to the church fund and in every place and thing he does, he makes sure to make eye contact and smile at every person he encounters.
He's someone who does what he does and is on time and pleasant and wanting to connect with others. He gives of himself because he wants to, not because he's bound to get something from it.
As humans, we forget that this is real and true and beautiful. We likely see this man as someone who is boring and lazy and introverted.
We would rather talk about people who have done amazing things. BIG scale things...
I have two perfect examples as to why this is completely and unfortunately despicable...
Audrey Hepburn.
My pseudonym's namesake. She was beautiful, charming, talented, strong, and generous with her time, giving to charity, working with children in Africa into her elder years, being a glorious mother.
Audrey Hepburn was hospitalized twice for trying to commit suicide. She was married twice to horribly abusive men. She was sick, anorexic and perfectionistic.
I still admire the prior list. The latter proves her to be a story. A story we only share the good parts of.
Steve Jobs.
He gave us Apple. He gave us amazing technology and devices that allow us to be more effective and connected and give us the time to truly live in the world.
Steve Jobs had a terrible relationship with his family. He was despondent, dominating, and rarely around. His work was his life. They were just fluff.
I still admire the prior list. The latter proves him to be a story. A story we only share the good parts of.
Admiration is the most sought after income in the universe.
Everyone who takes less is always second best.
In order to be admired, we must allow ourselves to be seen for who we are.
We must present our inauthenticities and admit that they have driven us to our need to be admired.
At the end of the day, false admiration won't make us happy. Simple self-love and contentment will give us the true self that we need to carry on living a life we love with hope and happiness.
Food for thought...
Your welcome.
XOXO, Audrey
Who doesn't want to hear that? Someone expressing that your way of being inspires and strikes them with a sense of awe and a desire to be...you.
Have you ever experienced someone's admiration when you were being inauthentic?
Notice how you felt anxious or uneasy, or maybe you felt relieved, if you're as inauthentic as that would suggest.
It's all because admiration is something we all want from life. We look at magazines, print and television ads. We read biographies. We teach children about the fantastic people in history that have changed the world and stood for something and created something truly beautiful in their time here.
Everyone wants to be admired for something. Some people want what the world defines as BIG dreams and BIG ideas. These ideas are only BIG in scale. That doesn't make them more admirable.
Let's say there's a little old man who lives alone in a tiny apartment. He pays all of his bills on time, he always keeps his space neat and clean. he has no family. He leaves his apartment every day to get his coffee and his paper, sits in the park or in a cafe on rainy days, reads the paper and then heads to the market to get the items he needs to make dinner. He spends 2 hours cooking every night, sets the table, puts on his favorite music, enjoys every bite, cleans up, writes in his journal and gets to sleep. On Tuesdays and Fridays he does his laundry at the laundromat and on Sundays, he goes to services at his church. He gives $10 every week to the church fund and in every place and thing he does, he makes sure to make eye contact and smile at every person he encounters.
He's someone who does what he does and is on time and pleasant and wanting to connect with others. He gives of himself because he wants to, not because he's bound to get something from it.
As humans, we forget that this is real and true and beautiful. We likely see this man as someone who is boring and lazy and introverted.
We would rather talk about people who have done amazing things. BIG scale things...
I have two perfect examples as to why this is completely and unfortunately despicable...
Audrey Hepburn.
My pseudonym's namesake. She was beautiful, charming, talented, strong, and generous with her time, giving to charity, working with children in Africa into her elder years, being a glorious mother.
Audrey Hepburn was hospitalized twice for trying to commit suicide. She was married twice to horribly abusive men. She was sick, anorexic and perfectionistic.
I still admire the prior list. The latter proves her to be a story. A story we only share the good parts of.
Steve Jobs.
He gave us Apple. He gave us amazing technology and devices that allow us to be more effective and connected and give us the time to truly live in the world.
Steve Jobs had a terrible relationship with his family. He was despondent, dominating, and rarely around. His work was his life. They were just fluff.
I still admire the prior list. The latter proves him to be a story. A story we only share the good parts of.
Admiration is the most sought after income in the universe.
Everyone who takes less is always second best.
In order to be admired, we must allow ourselves to be seen for who we are.
We must present our inauthenticities and admit that they have driven us to our need to be admired.
At the end of the day, false admiration won't make us happy. Simple self-love and contentment will give us the true self that we need to carry on living a life we love with hope and happiness.
Food for thought...
Your welcome.
XOXO, Audrey
Thursday, May 17, 2012
And...GO
It's been a while. I was busy. I was also confused. I'm neither right now.
I spent some time opening my mind further to new ideas and I am now ready to share them.
It doesn't matter how my day goes...or yours for that matter.
In actuality, it's just a day. It's just 24 hours, 1440 minutes.
It's just this happened, this didn't, he said, she said, blah blah blah.
My further idea says this:
So what?
Did you enjoy it?
Because, if the answer is no, you've failed at life.
OUCH, Aud! Did you get hurt or something? Did you get told your don't know it all.
Nah. I didn't. I already know I don't, but I do know something that I stand for, for the rest of my life. I've stood for it forever, but I've never had it defined. Now I have, and I'm proud of myself.
I live.
I don't get resigned to whatever it is that certain someones believe is "the way it goes" or that is "fine for now" or who "aren't getting any younger".
In my life I know I'll aspire professionally to all the possibilities I believe in. In love...I will too. I'm sure it will be unconventional the way it all goes down, but I will.
I tend to get stuck.
I tend to allow for it. All of it.
I tend to accept him for his shortcomings, while he derails me for my accomplishments.
I do.
It's terrible.
I know.
I'm not a masochist. I was just occurring like one. I'm actually a forthright, bra burning, simple person-hating, femi-nazi bitch.
Yep, I am.
I'm also a delicate, quiet, gentle, and passionate person.
Yep, I am.
I'm also a woman who doesn't need anyone to help her, but would love for an offer.
Yep, I am.
I'm also a girl who still likes printed tights and thick wool sweaters that drown my femininity and my "grown-up-ness"
Yep, I am.
I'm also a woman who will use my legs to drop jaws and shut simple people up so I will be heard. and I will WIN.
Yep, I am.
I'm RECENTLY a woman who loves herself. Who knows exactly what she wants and gets it. A woman who rolls out profanities ablaze when she doesn't get what she's asking for.
SERIOUSLY? Yep, you bet I am.
Because I've given.
I've always been the shoulder to cry on, or the friend to "have your back" or the one you can bounce your ideas off of.
That's a sound board.
I'm a human being.
I'm worth so much more than being some one's bobble head while they rant and rave about the travesty of their "Do not resuscitate" life.
Forget it.
They'll have to juice me to get me to leave.
I am taking a stand to ignore ignorance.
To ignore negative thoughts, feelings, expressions, and energy.
I am taking a stand to NOT foster the negativity.
So here's my advise if you'd like a friend like me:
1. You don't like your job? quit.
* If this isn't possible, you've created your hardship by not budgeting to have a cushion to get the
hell out. YOU DID THIS
2. You're not in love with your significant other any more. get out
* Marriage is a choice. Choose wisely. You'll be fine if you're alone. In fact, if he really does
drive you this crazy, you'll be better. If you just want to bitch and nothing is wrong SHUT UP.
3. 30 is not old.
* if you truly believe it is, you need to cheat on your spouse, do some LSD, and frigging live your life. Not that these things are necessary for living, but 30?!?!. I still get pimples. Old people do not get pimples. I also have 5 years until I reach my sexual peak. The only people who are old at 30 are men. they're 11 years past their peak and likely screwing a chick who's got at least 14 years to go. (they're so on the same level. I mean, it's scary how much they have in common).
4. Crying. Talking, Expression. Freaking out. and BREAKING DOWN. are a really real part of living.
* if you're not invested in your life enough to be hurt when things don't go your way, you might as well die and get dirt thrown in your face.
Seriously. We get this shot. Why not live every day like you could burst at the seems with presence and excitement and a drive towards your dreams?
Cynicism. It'll be my plea for not guilty when everyone drops like flies and I'm still chillin, being happy.
Get over yourself, your story, your baggage. Get over what keeps you where you are. and...
GO
I spent some time opening my mind further to new ideas and I am now ready to share them.
It doesn't matter how my day goes...or yours for that matter.
In actuality, it's just a day. It's just 24 hours, 1440 minutes.
It's just this happened, this didn't, he said, she said, blah blah blah.
My further idea says this:
So what?
Did you enjoy it?
Because, if the answer is no, you've failed at life.
OUCH, Aud! Did you get hurt or something? Did you get told your don't know it all.
Nah. I didn't. I already know I don't, but I do know something that I stand for, for the rest of my life. I've stood for it forever, but I've never had it defined. Now I have, and I'm proud of myself.
I live.
I don't get resigned to whatever it is that certain someones believe is "the way it goes" or that is "fine for now" or who "aren't getting any younger".
In my life I know I'll aspire professionally to all the possibilities I believe in. In love...I will too. I'm sure it will be unconventional the way it all goes down, but I will.
I tend to get stuck.
I tend to allow for it. All of it.
I tend to accept him for his shortcomings, while he derails me for my accomplishments.
I do.
It's terrible.
I know.
I'm not a masochist. I was just occurring like one. I'm actually a forthright, bra burning, simple person-hating, femi-nazi bitch.
Yep, I am.
I'm also a delicate, quiet, gentle, and passionate person.
Yep, I am.
I'm also a woman who doesn't need anyone to help her, but would love for an offer.
Yep, I am.
I'm also a girl who still likes printed tights and thick wool sweaters that drown my femininity and my "grown-up-ness"
Yep, I am.
I'm also a woman who will use my legs to drop jaws and shut simple people up so I will be heard. and I will WIN.
Yep, I am.
I'm RECENTLY a woman who loves herself. Who knows exactly what she wants and gets it. A woman who rolls out profanities ablaze when she doesn't get what she's asking for.
SERIOUSLY? Yep, you bet I am.
Because I've given.
I've always been the shoulder to cry on, or the friend to "have your back" or the one you can bounce your ideas off of.
That's a sound board.
I'm a human being.
I'm worth so much more than being some one's bobble head while they rant and rave about the travesty of their "Do not resuscitate" life.
Forget it.
They'll have to juice me to get me to leave.
I am taking a stand to ignore ignorance.
To ignore negative thoughts, feelings, expressions, and energy.
I am taking a stand to NOT foster the negativity.
So here's my advise if you'd like a friend like me:
1. You don't like your job? quit.
* If this isn't possible, you've created your hardship by not budgeting to have a cushion to get the
hell out. YOU DID THIS
2. You're not in love with your significant other any more. get out
* Marriage is a choice. Choose wisely. You'll be fine if you're alone. In fact, if he really does
drive you this crazy, you'll be better. If you just want to bitch and nothing is wrong SHUT UP.
3. 30 is not old.
* if you truly believe it is, you need to cheat on your spouse, do some LSD, and frigging live your life. Not that these things are necessary for living, but 30?!?!. I still get pimples. Old people do not get pimples. I also have 5 years until I reach my sexual peak. The only people who are old at 30 are men. they're 11 years past their peak and likely screwing a chick who's got at least 14 years to go. (they're so on the same level. I mean, it's scary how much they have in common).
4. Crying. Talking, Expression. Freaking out. and BREAKING DOWN. are a really real part of living.
* if you're not invested in your life enough to be hurt when things don't go your way, you might as well die and get dirt thrown in your face.
Seriously. We get this shot. Why not live every day like you could burst at the seems with presence and excitement and a drive towards your dreams?
Cynicism. It'll be my plea for not guilty when everyone drops like flies and I'm still chillin, being happy.
Get over yourself, your story, your baggage. Get over what keeps you where you are. and...
GO
Sunday, April 22, 2012
I will give you a reason and you will like it
So I go to a therapist. I'm not afraid to admit that. I am a New Yorker. We all go to therapy.
I started going because I had no idea who I was. I had lived the first 28 years of my life behind a tutu matched delightfully to a brazen, self-righteous, semi-sociopathic masochist.
How the hell does that work?
Well...
I thought being blunt and hurtful was a good tactic for letting people know they did me wrong. My MO was to take the punishment of being ignored and belittled for months, years, decades in a few cases, and then finally, out of nowhere, sweet, innocent, caring and loving Audrey went ape shit.
I got into an argument on the street with a guy who had treated me like I was a pet, one that he kicked when he got home from a bad day, for way too long.
We were standing on the corner of thompson and spring and i just snapped. the venom that started pouring out of my mouth was cold, ruthless, and violently heartless. Then, he shoved me, and walked away.
A 33 year old man shoved me.
This, I will sheepishly admit, was not the first time I had provoked and been man-handled, but it was certainly the last. The next morning I set up my appointment.
I had no idea what was wrong with me. Now I do.
Nothing.
I was giving the benefit of the doubt to people who take. Narcissism was a HUGE turn on. It still is. The idea that I could handle it. That I was so tough and emotionless and cool was like a drug.
I really did not care what his or her deal was because we would never have to be close.
I could "love" him and leave him or gossip, work on my snarky sarcasm with her and, at the end of our encounter, not give a shit which way they went.
But I was being false. I did want to be cared about. I did want someone who listened and told me stories, good, bad, and ugly stories, and just put themselves out on the table.
I wanted to be able to air out my dirty laundry too. That stuff has made me who I am. Who, I've realized in the past two years, is an amazing person.
The hard pill to take is that i am still drawn to people who are looking for motive.
They are not hard to find.
A person who trusts is 1 in a great many. A person who doesn't is a dime a dozen.
I like to listen. I like to be a soundboard and watch what people do and say. I can tell when they are coming from an honest place. I can tell when they are not. In some instances, even when they can not.
This gets me into trouble.
People do not like to share.
They create this storyline about the listener. Freud coined it transference.
Since I have this lovely tendency to listen and hear, this transference shows up in a lot of colorful ways.
I have been accused of thinking I am above the talker.
I have been accused of being codependent, a martyr to save them.
I have been accused of being a know-it-all.
I have been accused of pushing my agenda.
The reality is, I am just listening.
I used to give advice because I thought that was what the other party wanted from me, but I never thought my advice was any good. Another person's life is not my life and it is not mine to change or help them with.
I have no idea what kind of crazy trauma and drama and mishaps and beliefs she has running through her brain, making her need to own whatever she is saying or whatever reason she is giving for the words she uses.
All I have is a point of view. It is not my place to try and make that someone else's point of view. I do not intend for a word of mine to be heard. I am used to that anyway.
Shrinky says its my semi-sociopathy. I'm not mentally ill, but I sure as hell can detach like I am.
It is a real part of me that I am completely and blissfully content when I am completely by myself.
I can not say that I do not love company, but I do not need it. I much prefer living in my headphones and burying my nose in a book to talking to strangers. I want to get a dog, a snobby impersonal dog and walk him as far away from other dogs and people at the dog park because, well he doesn't want to talk to strangers either. That's my kind of dog.
But...
Here'a the rub: I have learned that I can not stop the conversation when it gets hard. I fight to the bitter end. The completion. The resolve. (I have suffered through 10-20 cold wars at this point).
I am trying out a new approach to that.
I am creating a possibility that I can have those conversations and sift through the resistance and the transference and just get to the nitty gritty of it all by just asking what they are gaining.
I will admit a selfish gain on my end from this: I like to watch people figure it out.
I do not want to figure it out for them, nor do I want to walk away.
I want to have relationships with people where they feel like they can trust me and see that I am not judging and that I actually do not see anything wrong with anything about them.
Even the stuff I ask them about.
It is just a question. Nothing more.
It is difficult to figure out how to do this at times. My current conundrum is someone who likes reasons, but does not want to discuss what those reasons do for him. He will likely bolt because he is mentally accusing me of one of those prior accusations I listed, or a new one...I just don't care. I'm still asking.
In a nutshell, those reasons HAVE to be doing something for him, otherwise, what is the point of having a reason?
If I say I can not go skiing because I'm afraid of hurting myself, I have a reason. That reason keeps me safe and my knees intact. Maybe I am missing out on a real high in "nature".
Eh, I hate being cold anyway.
I have a reason. It is a silly reason but I have it and my safety is the benefit there.
If I said I can not learn Italian, because I do not want to know what those sleazy guys who sit at my morning coffee shop are saying about me, I gain by not having to know and being able to pretend they are complimenting the intelligence I exude, despite their obvious gestures towards my ass.
Ridiculous. But I gain something from that reason.
If I said I will never date a blonde man because I'm not attracted to them, I gain nothing from my reasoning. I cut out a whole slew of men who are likely tall enough to compliment me in 4" heels and probably have a place to take me on Nantucket this summer.
No gain keeping this reason up.
These are silly examples but they are real, humorous reasons I actually operate under. I've kicked the last one out because I want my options wide open (though tall dark and handsome is surely going to be where it's at...I jest).
I'm on that trip this week. I am trying to examine my reasons, and see where they bring me and what it is I actually gain from them. If there is nothing of value, I am dropping them. At the end of the day, they are only holding me back.
Over n out!
XO Aud.
I started going because I had no idea who I was. I had lived the first 28 years of my life behind a tutu matched delightfully to a brazen, self-righteous, semi-sociopathic masochist.
How the hell does that work?
Well...
I thought being blunt and hurtful was a good tactic for letting people know they did me wrong. My MO was to take the punishment of being ignored and belittled for months, years, decades in a few cases, and then finally, out of nowhere, sweet, innocent, caring and loving Audrey went ape shit.
I got into an argument on the street with a guy who had treated me like I was a pet, one that he kicked when he got home from a bad day, for way too long.
We were standing on the corner of thompson and spring and i just snapped. the venom that started pouring out of my mouth was cold, ruthless, and violently heartless. Then, he shoved me, and walked away.
A 33 year old man shoved me.
This, I will sheepishly admit, was not the first time I had provoked and been man-handled, but it was certainly the last. The next morning I set up my appointment.
I had no idea what was wrong with me. Now I do.
Nothing.
I was giving the benefit of the doubt to people who take. Narcissism was a HUGE turn on. It still is. The idea that I could handle it. That I was so tough and emotionless and cool was like a drug.
I really did not care what his or her deal was because we would never have to be close.
I could "love" him and leave him or gossip, work on my snarky sarcasm with her and, at the end of our encounter, not give a shit which way they went.
But I was being false. I did want to be cared about. I did want someone who listened and told me stories, good, bad, and ugly stories, and just put themselves out on the table.
I wanted to be able to air out my dirty laundry too. That stuff has made me who I am. Who, I've realized in the past two years, is an amazing person.
The hard pill to take is that i am still drawn to people who are looking for motive.
They are not hard to find.
A person who trusts is 1 in a great many. A person who doesn't is a dime a dozen.
I like to listen. I like to be a soundboard and watch what people do and say. I can tell when they are coming from an honest place. I can tell when they are not. In some instances, even when they can not.
This gets me into trouble.
People do not like to share.
They create this storyline about the listener. Freud coined it transference.
Since I have this lovely tendency to listen and hear, this transference shows up in a lot of colorful ways.
I have been accused of thinking I am above the talker.
I have been accused of being codependent, a martyr to save them.
I have been accused of being a know-it-all.
I have been accused of pushing my agenda.
The reality is, I am just listening.
I used to give advice because I thought that was what the other party wanted from me, but I never thought my advice was any good. Another person's life is not my life and it is not mine to change or help them with.
I have no idea what kind of crazy trauma and drama and mishaps and beliefs she has running through her brain, making her need to own whatever she is saying or whatever reason she is giving for the words she uses.
All I have is a point of view. It is not my place to try and make that someone else's point of view. I do not intend for a word of mine to be heard. I am used to that anyway.
Shrinky says its my semi-sociopathy. I'm not mentally ill, but I sure as hell can detach like I am.
It is a real part of me that I am completely and blissfully content when I am completely by myself.
I can not say that I do not love company, but I do not need it. I much prefer living in my headphones and burying my nose in a book to talking to strangers. I want to get a dog, a snobby impersonal dog and walk him as far away from other dogs and people at the dog park because, well he doesn't want to talk to strangers either. That's my kind of dog.
But...
Here'a the rub: I have learned that I can not stop the conversation when it gets hard. I fight to the bitter end. The completion. The resolve. (I have suffered through 10-20 cold wars at this point).
I am trying out a new approach to that.
I am creating a possibility that I can have those conversations and sift through the resistance and the transference and just get to the nitty gritty of it all by just asking what they are gaining.
I will admit a selfish gain on my end from this: I like to watch people figure it out.
I do not want to figure it out for them, nor do I want to walk away.
I want to have relationships with people where they feel like they can trust me and see that I am not judging and that I actually do not see anything wrong with anything about them.
Even the stuff I ask them about.
It is just a question. Nothing more.
It is difficult to figure out how to do this at times. My current conundrum is someone who likes reasons, but does not want to discuss what those reasons do for him. He will likely bolt because he is mentally accusing me of one of those prior accusations I listed, or a new one...I just don't care. I'm still asking.
In a nutshell, those reasons HAVE to be doing something for him, otherwise, what is the point of having a reason?
If I say I can not go skiing because I'm afraid of hurting myself, I have a reason. That reason keeps me safe and my knees intact. Maybe I am missing out on a real high in "nature".
Eh, I hate being cold anyway.
I have a reason. It is a silly reason but I have it and my safety is the benefit there.
If I said I can not learn Italian, because I do not want to know what those sleazy guys who sit at my morning coffee shop are saying about me, I gain by not having to know and being able to pretend they are complimenting the intelligence I exude, despite their obvious gestures towards my ass.
Ridiculous. But I gain something from that reason.
If I said I will never date a blonde man because I'm not attracted to them, I gain nothing from my reasoning. I cut out a whole slew of men who are likely tall enough to compliment me in 4" heels and probably have a place to take me on Nantucket this summer.
No gain keeping this reason up.
These are silly examples but they are real, humorous reasons I actually operate under. I've kicked the last one out because I want my options wide open (though tall dark and handsome is surely going to be where it's at...I jest).
I'm on that trip this week. I am trying to examine my reasons, and see where they bring me and what it is I actually gain from them. If there is nothing of value, I am dropping them. At the end of the day, they are only holding me back.
Over n out!
XO Aud.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
IaMuNoRdInArY: Swing open up your chest and let it in
IaMuNoRdInArY: Swing open up your chest and let it in: I have had a dream for years but I didn't realize it was a dream until last night. I have woken from my rest with my arms reaching for the ...
Monday, April 16, 2012
IaMuNoRdInArY: I'll listen for you not to you and we will learn t...
IaMuNoRdInArY: I'll listen for you not to you and we will learn t...: I've had a lot come at me of late and it's triggered some serious reflecting. It's not really about what's right or wrong because there is ...
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